Today marks the second day of Spring and September and the end of a tough tough week. This week has included nightmares about my upcoming Endoscopy (3 sleeps), an epic POTS flare that left me lying on the ground in my tutorial, meetings about upcoming placements, epic angry ankle EDS flares and just really really really bad fatigue. Ohh plus meeting and starting with 2 new families for work and deciding whether I want to take the next step and get AFOs. It's been an interesting week.
But!
Spring signals the beginning of chronic pain awareness month. So this month I'm going to be sharing snippets of my life with chronic pain over the next month.
This coming week presents another week of tough decisions and medical things.
Firstly... Monday signals my Endoscopy and first time under general anasethic and fasting since my POTS and EDS diagnosis, so I'm not expecting it to go well... To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. As I've already said, last night was filled with nightmares about it and tonight leaves me unable to even contemplate sleep as I can't stop thinking about it and thus crying. I'm a mess. It is surprising that even with all of my health issues I've never had surgery. My reactions to anaesthetics in the past though have been poor. That's why I'm super super nervous. Honestly, I could care less about the procedure itself. It's routine and simple, it's the other part of it that leaves me very worried.
How I'll react is unknown. What is known is that I have the best people on my team helping to make sure I'm okay. That's probably the only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment. Whilst sleep avails me, so too does clarity. My mind is clouded with fear and anxiety, a mixture of feelings I haven't felt it a long time. What is probably most difficult is the fact that nearly no-one understands why I am so afraid. For any normal person looking in, it is a simple procedure. One that is done multiple times a day with no problems. However, to me, a person with a very complicated set of medical issues, the fear is petrifying.
So. What to do?
Well this is where I put my chronic pain management skills to use. Distraction, emotional coping and trying to undo my catastrophisation. It's not as easy as it sounds.
I've already wasted hours upon hours trying to distract myself so my next step is to tackle the problem head on. I'm going to try and go to sleep. And if that doesn't work it'll be back to distraction and then maybe climbing into bed with mum if all else fails.
This is the reality. It isn't pretty and it isn't always logical. It is however the truth. Chronic pain does awful things to the mind, body and soul. But I am determined to beat it. Just maybe not today.
BB
But!
Spring signals the beginning of chronic pain awareness month. So this month I'm going to be sharing snippets of my life with chronic pain over the next month.
This coming week presents another week of tough decisions and medical things.
Firstly... Monday signals my Endoscopy and first time under general anasethic and fasting since my POTS and EDS diagnosis, so I'm not expecting it to go well... To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. As I've already said, last night was filled with nightmares about it and tonight leaves me unable to even contemplate sleep as I can't stop thinking about it and thus crying. I'm a mess. It is surprising that even with all of my health issues I've never had surgery. My reactions to anaesthetics in the past though have been poor. That's why I'm super super nervous. Honestly, I could care less about the procedure itself. It's routine and simple, it's the other part of it that leaves me very worried.
How I'll react is unknown. What is known is that I have the best people on my team helping to make sure I'm okay. That's probably the only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment. Whilst sleep avails me, so too does clarity. My mind is clouded with fear and anxiety, a mixture of feelings I haven't felt it a long time. What is probably most difficult is the fact that nearly no-one understands why I am so afraid. For any normal person looking in, it is a simple procedure. One that is done multiple times a day with no problems. However, to me, a person with a very complicated set of medical issues, the fear is petrifying.
So. What to do?
Well this is where I put my chronic pain management skills to use. Distraction, emotional coping and trying to undo my catastrophisation. It's not as easy as it sounds.
I've already wasted hours upon hours trying to distract myself so my next step is to tackle the problem head on. I'm going to try and go to sleep. And if that doesn't work it'll be back to distraction and then maybe climbing into bed with mum if all else fails.
This is the reality. It isn't pretty and it isn't always logical. It is however the truth. Chronic pain does awful things to the mind, body and soul. But I am determined to beat it. Just maybe not today.
BB
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