Darkness. For a long time that's what I lived with day in and day out. At 16 it's hard to hear that the rest of your life will be filled with pain and suffering, that no one can fix you.
I had friends, friends that didn't understand what I was going through, so I retreated and so did they. I can honestly say that I've never considered myself to live with depression, but this time was probably the closest I've ever come to it. I felt like I was stuck in a dark hole that I couldn't get out of. Even worse, I felt like no one even knew I was there. I was the happy girl, the smiley one, the 'I'm okay' one, the one you would never have guessed lives with chronic pain. And I still am. I still am all those things and yet more.
I think when you first get given a life changing diagnosis you go through many stages until you get to acceptance, one of them often being feeling isolated and alone. And that's what I felt. I didn't know anyone in my situation. Meeting other people my age who lived with chronic pain helped, but even then it took months to years before I managed to find a way to climb out of that hole and start to begin to be okay with my new life.
Today I'm a changed person. I've done away with those friends who don't understand and swapped them for some that do. I've continued to move closer to that acceptance stage, even after acquiring over 8 new diagnoses since that time.
And yet. I still have my moments. Mostly at night when my pain is bad. Or when I'm very stressed and my mind can't stop swimming. I cry and I cry for no good reason. I'm mourning. Mourning the life I once had, the things I wish I could still do and the future that I will most likely never have. This is what chronic illness and pain do to you. They leave you with your mind wandering, wondering what life would have been like if...
So what do I do? Some night nothing. Sometimes I play a game on my phone, watch a movie or simply try and count 5 things I can see, hear, feel, taste and smell around me, to ground me. Some nights I get up and sit upstairs watching the world go by. The peace and tranquility. And some nights I cry. Some nights that's all you can do.
BB
I had friends, friends that didn't understand what I was going through, so I retreated and so did they. I can honestly say that I've never considered myself to live with depression, but this time was probably the closest I've ever come to it. I felt like I was stuck in a dark hole that I couldn't get out of. Even worse, I felt like no one even knew I was there. I was the happy girl, the smiley one, the 'I'm okay' one, the one you would never have guessed lives with chronic pain. And I still am. I still am all those things and yet more.
I think when you first get given a life changing diagnosis you go through many stages until you get to acceptance, one of them often being feeling isolated and alone. And that's what I felt. I didn't know anyone in my situation. Meeting other people my age who lived with chronic pain helped, but even then it took months to years before I managed to find a way to climb out of that hole and start to begin to be okay with my new life.
Today I'm a changed person. I've done away with those friends who don't understand and swapped them for some that do. I've continued to move closer to that acceptance stage, even after acquiring over 8 new diagnoses since that time.And yet. I still have my moments. Mostly at night when my pain is bad. Or when I'm very stressed and my mind can't stop swimming. I cry and I cry for no good reason. I'm mourning. Mourning the life I once had, the things I wish I could still do and the future that I will most likely never have. This is what chronic illness and pain do to you. They leave you with your mind wandering, wondering what life would have been like if...
So what do I do? Some night nothing. Sometimes I play a game on my phone, watch a movie or simply try and count 5 things I can see, hear, feel, taste and smell around me, to ground me. Some nights I get up and sit upstairs watching the world go by. The peace and tranquility. And some nights I cry. Some nights that's all you can do.
BB
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