After very little sleep last night I've spent my day studying, cleaning and watching TV. Very chill and surprisingly productive. The surprise thing I've done today is watch old vlogs of mine. In 2012, at the height of my migraine drama I was receiving very little medical care, was on no medication to treat my debilitating pain, was stuck in medical limbo and spent most of my day crying. As I previously mentioned, I was stuck in a hole I felt I couldn't get out of.
It was around this same time that I started vlogging. Recording candid videos on my laptop every day documenting mainly the lows and sometimes the highs of my life. My roller coaster. The videos have always been something I've done for myself, much like blogging. An emotional release. Many of my memories from around that time are clouded by the pain and darkness I was experiencing, but I've always known that that was one of the toughest times in my life emotionally. Until today I didn't know how tough. The videos are raw. They're frankly quite awful. Much of the time its a 16 year old girl crying in front of a camera as her whole life falls out of her grasp, it's her begging to get off the roller coaster, for 'it' to end. They were very tough for me to watch.
The thing that struck me the most was what is 'it'?
Pain? Suffering? Emotional trauma? Friendship issues? Lack of control? Life?
I can't say for certain what 'it' is. I do know however that I am not that person anymore. I have more problems now then I did in those videos, and yet somehow I am happier.
16 year old me was right. The roller coaster never ends. And you can't get off. And yet right now, I'm higher up on the rollercoaster with smaller dips. Sure I'm in pain, sure I get upset, I cry and scream and get frustrated. But I'm not that person anymore. In fact I barely recognise that girl in the videos.
Isn't it funny how we don't realise how badly we were coping in our toughest moments? And how far we've come?
Usually I don't like looking back on these past videos. They bring back too many horrible and painful memories that I would rather forget. But today they are useful. Today they show me how far I've come and how proud I should be of myself. Today they show me what I went through to get here. They show what I've overcome. And I'm proud. Proud of myself for being able to overcome those struggles and become a new, better person. One that can live along side her pain.
BB
It was around this same time that I started vlogging. Recording candid videos on my laptop every day documenting mainly the lows and sometimes the highs of my life. My roller coaster. The videos have always been something I've done for myself, much like blogging. An emotional release. Many of my memories from around that time are clouded by the pain and darkness I was experiencing, but I've always known that that was one of the toughest times in my life emotionally. Until today I didn't know how tough. The videos are raw. They're frankly quite awful. Much of the time its a 16 year old girl crying in front of a camera as her whole life falls out of her grasp, it's her begging to get off the roller coaster, for 'it' to end. They were very tough for me to watch.
The thing that struck me the most was what is 'it'?
Pain? Suffering? Emotional trauma? Friendship issues? Lack of control? Life?
I can't say for certain what 'it' is. I do know however that I am not that person anymore. I have more problems now then I did in those videos, and yet somehow I am happier.
16 year old me was right. The roller coaster never ends. And you can't get off. And yet right now, I'm higher up on the rollercoaster with smaller dips. Sure I'm in pain, sure I get upset, I cry and scream and get frustrated. But I'm not that person anymore. In fact I barely recognise that girl in the videos.
Isn't it funny how we don't realise how badly we were coping in our toughest moments? And how far we've come?
Usually I don't like looking back on these past videos. They bring back too many horrible and painful memories that I would rather forget. But today they are useful. Today they show me how far I've come and how proud I should be of myself. Today they show me what I went through to get here. They show what I've overcome. And I'm proud. Proud of myself for being able to overcome those struggles and become a new, better person. One that can live along side her pain.
BB
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