I see myself a positive person. I've constantly kept smiling and cracking jokes even when I'm at the bottom of a hole of depression and can't crawl out. I wouldn't say that I've necessarily even been depressed, however I do get anxious. I get anxious about appointments, pain, life in general, and especially the possibility of having chronic pain in numerous areas for the rest of my life and not having a solid diagnosis. These things scare me to death. By the time I got to attend pain clinic 2 years ago, I was in a pretty dark place. I was constantly sad and anxious, but no-one knew. I'm not sure if anyone knows now. I'm not the kind of person that cries in front of people, I don't break down, but there were so many times that I wanted to. After attending the pain clinic I managed to learn enough strategies to pick myself up again and become a more positive and happy person. I learnt how to manage everything I was going through. Yes chronic pain sucks, but I learnt that I would be ok if this was what I had to deal with for the rest of my life. Then I hurt my elbow and I thought that chronic pain was one of numerous possibilities, it wasn't. It was the only possibility. The day that I stopped therapy for my elbow, was the day that a little part of my died. I didn't stop because I was healed, I stopped because there was nothing else that could be done. That was an awful moment. But again, I managed to pick myself up off the ground and pull my life back together, on my own.
I was ok, ok with the reality I was given, until I hurt my hip. It was the stupidest thing, my hip had popped out multiple times before, why was that day any different? Because it was fate I guess. It just happened, it was only a matter of time. Last week was when my hip pain officially became chronic. I think that as an 18 year old, it is upsetting that I know when acute pain becomes chronic, but I do. That same day, I left the physio and cried in my car. I was in so much pain. Each day I notice something else that's gone wrong in my body A twinge in my back, pain in my hands and fingers. Something that's there to scare me. To make me think that it won't get better, that it will only get worse from here. Now I think about my appointment with the neurologist that is scheduled for Monday and I am petrified. Not because I am worried about the numerous needles he is going to stick in me (which I am), but because I am worried that I'll see people from the pain clinic. People that thought I was getting better, that I could handle all this. I am ashamed of my own body. I don't want to walk in there on my crutches, I want to hide. Now every time I think about the appointment I feel a twinge through my body. I'm so scared of walking into that hospital. It makes me physically sick. I can't believe I am ashamed of my own body. Moreover, the thought that I could end up wheelchair bound for the rest of my life, instead of working as an OT scares me. I want a life, a career, a family. But I can't help think that it won't happen. So I want to cry, but I can't, because I don't cry for myself. I cry in movies and at funerals and at weddings, but not for my own broken body. I don't want the anxiety and sadness to win, but god damn it it's hard.
I always think about this one moment in grade 12. I was so stressed. I had just finished playing the lead role in my schools annual production, and I was so far behind on all my assessments, biology included. I thought that my 'friends' in that class were laughing/mocking/saying horrible things about me, even though they probably weren't. After class, I didn't have the courage to say anything to my teacher and so I just sat silently crying until the class was over and one of my true friends came over and helped me. I then had to go to a meeting for a tour group I was going on. There I sat crying on and off through the whole thing, and looking back I am surprised that a teacher didn't say anything to me. After that I left there nearly sobbing, which was strange for me as I NEVER cry at school. Eventually this girl which I had talked to about everything, but who I wasn't close with took charge and took me to see the head of students (the person who I had talked to about everything that was going on). The lady at reception took one look at me and called the head of students in. It was a very low point in my life. I never did tell anyone about that day. This lady was my saviour. She was actually my english teacher and had to teach a class and after taking one look at me and knowing that she had to teach, she called the school counselor in and what she said next changed my life. She told the counselor that 'something really bad is wrong, because I know Bella (me) and she doesn't cry, ever, she is so strong.' She then left and I was left with the counselor. I told her everything, through little sobs, I missed out on my whole class. She basically rearranged all my assessment so that it was spread out and so that I could relax and not have serious pain flare ups. These people changed my life.
But. I will never forget that day. The day that I was reduced to a sobbing mess because of pain. The day when I publicly humiliated myself. The day that I lost strength and courage.
Today is one of those days. I don't really know why it is today. These day's come at random times, when I least expect them. Sometimes when I am actually feeling my best. I feel sad, scared and anxious. And that's ok. As long as I accept that and move on. I can do this. I have to do this.
Have strength
BB :)
I was ok, ok with the reality I was given, until I hurt my hip. It was the stupidest thing, my hip had popped out multiple times before, why was that day any different? Because it was fate I guess. It just happened, it was only a matter of time. Last week was when my hip pain officially became chronic. I think that as an 18 year old, it is upsetting that I know when acute pain becomes chronic, but I do. That same day, I left the physio and cried in my car. I was in so much pain. Each day I notice something else that's gone wrong in my body A twinge in my back, pain in my hands and fingers. Something that's there to scare me. To make me think that it won't get better, that it will only get worse from here. Now I think about my appointment with the neurologist that is scheduled for Monday and I am petrified. Not because I am worried about the numerous needles he is going to stick in me (which I am), but because I am worried that I'll see people from the pain clinic. People that thought I was getting better, that I could handle all this. I am ashamed of my own body. I don't want to walk in there on my crutches, I want to hide. Now every time I think about the appointment I feel a twinge through my body. I'm so scared of walking into that hospital. It makes me physically sick. I can't believe I am ashamed of my own body. Moreover, the thought that I could end up wheelchair bound for the rest of my life, instead of working as an OT scares me. I want a life, a career, a family. But I can't help think that it won't happen. So I want to cry, but I can't, because I don't cry for myself. I cry in movies and at funerals and at weddings, but not for my own broken body. I don't want the anxiety and sadness to win, but god damn it it's hard.
I always think about this one moment in grade 12. I was so stressed. I had just finished playing the lead role in my schools annual production, and I was so far behind on all my assessments, biology included. I thought that my 'friends' in that class were laughing/mocking/saying horrible things about me, even though they probably weren't. After class, I didn't have the courage to say anything to my teacher and so I just sat silently crying until the class was over and one of my true friends came over and helped me. I then had to go to a meeting for a tour group I was going on. There I sat crying on and off through the whole thing, and looking back I am surprised that a teacher didn't say anything to me. After that I left there nearly sobbing, which was strange for me as I NEVER cry at school. Eventually this girl which I had talked to about everything, but who I wasn't close with took charge and took me to see the head of students (the person who I had talked to about everything that was going on). The lady at reception took one look at me and called the head of students in. It was a very low point in my life. I never did tell anyone about that day. This lady was my saviour. She was actually my english teacher and had to teach a class and after taking one look at me and knowing that she had to teach, she called the school counselor in and what she said next changed my life. She told the counselor that 'something really bad is wrong, because I know Bella (me) and she doesn't cry, ever, she is so strong.' She then left and I was left with the counselor. I told her everything, through little sobs, I missed out on my whole class. She basically rearranged all my assessment so that it was spread out and so that I could relax and not have serious pain flare ups. These people changed my life.
But. I will never forget that day. The day that I was reduced to a sobbing mess because of pain. The day when I publicly humiliated myself. The day that I lost strength and courage.
Today is one of those days. I don't really know why it is today. These day's come at random times, when I least expect them. Sometimes when I am actually feeling my best. I feel sad, scared and anxious. And that's ok. As long as I accept that and move on. I can do this. I have to do this.
Have strength
BB :)
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