2 years ago these holidays, I was in hospital. I spent 2 weeks as an outpatient going in everyday thinking that my life was over and how could I possibly go on. I was in too much pain. I was, for want of a better word depressed and extremely anxious. But no one saw me that way until I got there because I have this fantastic (not) ability to be panicking on the inside but look totally calm on the outside. And that was me, at times, it still is. I didn't want to go to pain clinic. It sounded like a place where people talked about their chronic pain problems. I didn't have chronic pain... at least no one had explicitly told me yet. I wanted to be normal, to not be in pain all the time, to go to school. Not get bumped from doctor to doctor, none of whom could tell me what the hell was wrong. In the end I ended up at a pain doctor, who recommended this program. It was a last resort for me and my family, and I now can't imagine my life without it.
I didn't want to go. Whilst I didn't tell any of my friends where and why I was going, I spent most of the days leading up to the course complaining to myself about how it was a waste of my holidays. I didn't know what to expect. The first day I wore my school trackpants. I have no reason why I did that. Even today I still can't believe I wore them, but I did, and I learnt. The next day I wore jeans. The first day I was on time, but everyone else was early. The other two people had already got there and so I had to sit on my own feeling awkward. I don't think any of us said one word to each other apart from our names until our morning tea break when either Meatloaf or Potato (obviously not their real names) broke the silence and said 'so what's wrong with you'. I'd never met another person, let alone someone my age with chronic pain before and so this was a bit of a shock. Potato at this point had had chronic pain for something like 6 years, me for 6 months and Meatloaf for 3. Both Potato and I secretly confided that we hoped M's wasn't chronic and that he'd recover, which he mostly did. The 2 weeks turned out better than I'd imagined. I met 2 amazing teens that helped me to realise that I am not alone, I met some amazing therapists and most importantly I realised and came to turns with the fact that I was chronically ill and did need support. That put me on the road to acceptance.
2 years ago I was a mess before the pain clinic. I wouldn't do anything, go anywhere or talk to anyone. I would cry for no reason and lie in bed all day because I couldn't bring myself to face the day. I think the main reason that the pain clinic benefited me is because I'm a perfectionist, an overachiever. I like to research things and know exactly what I am facing. I've probably read every article on chronic migraines, chronic pain, treatments and quality of life. I've read so much that I could probably be a pain doctor. Not even joking. The program didn't sugarcoat things, it gave me the information I needed and a means to research further when and if I needed it. At first I thought that the program had saved my life, that the people I met had. Then as time wore on after the program and I forgot exercises or simply couldn't be bothered I thought again that it had been a waste of time. And yet it hasn't. I don't think I would have survived therapy for my elbow or the realisation that it was chronic. And I know that I wouldn't be able to survive my hip and all the hypermobility stuff it brings with it. Of course there are days that I feel like the world is crumbling around me, but I still have my little green folder sitting in my room just waiting for me if I ever need a reminder on how to cope.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without chronic pain, however the same goes for the pain clinic. Without it, I would just be lost in the medical system. I probably would've dropped out of highschool and I certainly wouldn't be studying at university right now. The program helped me to see that my life doesn't have to end with chronic pain. It is always there reminding me that hurt doesn't equal harm. That I am worth something. That life doesn't end with chronic pain.
I am so grateful to everyone that has helped me over the past 2 and a bit years. I am especially grateful to my rock Potato. I cannot imagine my life without you! And if you ever read this, thank you! You are the reason I am still here today! To Meatloaf. You were the life of the party at LEAP and even though since, we don't talk about chronic pain, I am happy to know where I can find you if I need you. And finally, to my therapists, my support team at LEAP. You inspire me to be the person I am today, to keep going and to never give up. You saw that I was drowning and you taught me to swim. You saved my life. You inspire me to consider going into pain management. You help me to cherish every moment. Even if you never see this, or I never see you again, know that you guys are always in my heart. You made a huge impact on my life and I will be forever grateful.
Normal is overacted
BB :)
I didn't want to go. Whilst I didn't tell any of my friends where and why I was going, I spent most of the days leading up to the course complaining to myself about how it was a waste of my holidays. I didn't know what to expect. The first day I wore my school trackpants. I have no reason why I did that. Even today I still can't believe I wore them, but I did, and I learnt. The next day I wore jeans. The first day I was on time, but everyone else was early. The other two people had already got there and so I had to sit on my own feeling awkward. I don't think any of us said one word to each other apart from our names until our morning tea break when either Meatloaf or Potato (obviously not their real names) broke the silence and said 'so what's wrong with you'. I'd never met another person, let alone someone my age with chronic pain before and so this was a bit of a shock. Potato at this point had had chronic pain for something like 6 years, me for 6 months and Meatloaf for 3. Both Potato and I secretly confided that we hoped M's wasn't chronic and that he'd recover, which he mostly did. The 2 weeks turned out better than I'd imagined. I met 2 amazing teens that helped me to realise that I am not alone, I met some amazing therapists and most importantly I realised and came to turns with the fact that I was chronically ill and did need support. That put me on the road to acceptance.
2 years ago I was a mess before the pain clinic. I wouldn't do anything, go anywhere or talk to anyone. I would cry for no reason and lie in bed all day because I couldn't bring myself to face the day. I think the main reason that the pain clinic benefited me is because I'm a perfectionist, an overachiever. I like to research things and know exactly what I am facing. I've probably read every article on chronic migraines, chronic pain, treatments and quality of life. I've read so much that I could probably be a pain doctor. Not even joking. The program didn't sugarcoat things, it gave me the information I needed and a means to research further when and if I needed it. At first I thought that the program had saved my life, that the people I met had. Then as time wore on after the program and I forgot exercises or simply couldn't be bothered I thought again that it had been a waste of time. And yet it hasn't. I don't think I would have survived therapy for my elbow or the realisation that it was chronic. And I know that I wouldn't be able to survive my hip and all the hypermobility stuff it brings with it. Of course there are days that I feel like the world is crumbling around me, but I still have my little green folder sitting in my room just waiting for me if I ever need a reminder on how to cope.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without chronic pain, however the same goes for the pain clinic. Without it, I would just be lost in the medical system. I probably would've dropped out of highschool and I certainly wouldn't be studying at university right now. The program helped me to see that my life doesn't have to end with chronic pain. It is always there reminding me that hurt doesn't equal harm. That I am worth something. That life doesn't end with chronic pain.
I am so grateful to everyone that has helped me over the past 2 and a bit years. I am especially grateful to my rock Potato. I cannot imagine my life without you! And if you ever read this, thank you! You are the reason I am still here today! To Meatloaf. You were the life of the party at LEAP and even though since, we don't talk about chronic pain, I am happy to know where I can find you if I need you. And finally, to my therapists, my support team at LEAP. You inspire me to be the person I am today, to keep going and to never give up. You saw that I was drowning and you taught me to swim. You saved my life. You inspire me to consider going into pain management. You help me to cherish every moment. Even if you never see this, or I never see you again, know that you guys are always in my heart. You made a huge impact on my life and I will be forever grateful.
Normal is overacted
BB :)
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