As I sit here in the early hours of the morning, after tossing and turn, scratching my legs raw and then finally passing out, I cannot stop thinking.
I get asked a lot how I can keep going after getting knocked down so many times. No just by people that know the full extent of my medical issues, but also by those who don't. Some people just see me being ill and breaking bones and coming to work in pain and with bruises everywhere. These people clearly don't live with me or see what I go through on a daily basis but what they do see still elicits the same response.
'Wow your so strong', 'You're sick a lot', 'Are you okay?', 'Why are you away so much', 'I can't believe stuff like that keeps happening to you', 'You have such bad luck' etc.
I could keep going but you get the idea.
These comments always make me feel sick. Because, if I had a choice, I wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't keep fighting an unwinnable battle, who would?
So what do I say?
To the random people, the people that don't know my story, I often feed off their comments. For example, if they say 'you're sick a lot or you have really bad luck', I often agree with them or say 'oh no I was just sick for that point in time' etc. I find that most people don't like to pry and often leave it at that.
The ones that are the hardest are the people that do know and potentially even understand what you are going through. They are the people with the loaded questions. The ones that come loaded and you don't really know if their asking 'how are you?' or 'how are you.... really?'
Those are the ones that get to me. Because then I have to decide how much I am willing to tell them or how much I need to tell them. Will they pick it up if I just say I'm fine... when I'm not? Or do I have to spell it out for them? ---My main problem is that a lot of the time, I need to tell these people (mainly health care professionals) how I'm feeling, however I've always grown up keeping it all to myself so I just don't know where to start.
One day I'll be good at this. I'm hoping monday might be that day. Or maybe the thursday after my holiday. I'm hoping that after all the stuff that happened over the christmas break I might finally snap when I talk to my physio and tell her how scared out of my brain I am for my appointment. Or when I go back to her after my appointment I might snap and say everything.
Either way, I need to learn how to deal with these emotions and questions better. I need help.
BB :)
I get asked a lot how I can keep going after getting knocked down so many times. No just by people that know the full extent of my medical issues, but also by those who don't. Some people just see me being ill and breaking bones and coming to work in pain and with bruises everywhere. These people clearly don't live with me or see what I go through on a daily basis but what they do see still elicits the same response.
'Wow your so strong', 'You're sick a lot', 'Are you okay?', 'Why are you away so much', 'I can't believe stuff like that keeps happening to you', 'You have such bad luck' etc.
I could keep going but you get the idea.
These comments always make me feel sick. Because, if I had a choice, I wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't keep fighting an unwinnable battle, who would?
So what do I say?
To the random people, the people that don't know my story, I often feed off their comments. For example, if they say 'you're sick a lot or you have really bad luck', I often agree with them or say 'oh no I was just sick for that point in time' etc. I find that most people don't like to pry and often leave it at that.
The ones that are the hardest are the people that do know and potentially even understand what you are going through. They are the people with the loaded questions. The ones that come loaded and you don't really know if their asking 'how are you?' or 'how are you.... really?'
Those are the ones that get to me. Because then I have to decide how much I am willing to tell them or how much I need to tell them. Will they pick it up if I just say I'm fine... when I'm not? Or do I have to spell it out for them? ---My main problem is that a lot of the time, I need to tell these people (mainly health care professionals) how I'm feeling, however I've always grown up keeping it all to myself so I just don't know where to start.
One day I'll be good at this. I'm hoping monday might be that day. Or maybe the thursday after my holiday. I'm hoping that after all the stuff that happened over the christmas break I might finally snap when I talk to my physio and tell her how scared out of my brain I am for my appointment. Or when I go back to her after my appointment I might snap and say everything.
Either way, I need to learn how to deal with these emotions and questions better. I need help.
BB :)
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