Yesterday was physio day as I like to call it. It's the day when I walk into the physio and wonder is this the last time I'll be here? Not because I'd be recovered, but because I'd give up. I'm a perfectionist, I don't give up, but isn't there some point at which enough is enough? I guess that flows on to day 23's question about what do you say to yourself when you need a pep talk. Anyway, I'll answer that in a minute :) So off I went to the physio and we talked and she asked about the doctor I went to see and the tests he'd sent me off to have and all I could think about was, one day I'll walk in here and just lose it. Just start crying. I don't cry in public, I rarely cry at all over pain or illness. Sure I cry in movies but I don't cry any other time. I'm scared that if I start crying, I won't be able to stop. My point is, I started doing my exercises with my physio and I thought... I can't feel my knees. Not in a 'omg I think I'm going to pass out way', but it was weird. I've been told that people with hypermobility have issues with proprioception and for me that is very very true. Therefore I have issues knowing where my joints are in space. I've always understood this in a 'I'm clumsy' way, but in that moment I knew that if I closed my eyes I'd have no idea where on earth my knees were in relation to the rest of my body, simply because I couldn't feel them. This was a very weird idea! Then she taped up my feet because I can't feel those either and I need orthotics (taping just for the mean time) and in that moment I knew what it was like to be able to feel where my feet are. Its weird how you can go your whole life without actually knowing where your joints are or what they feel like.
Anyway... on to the questions... btw I'm going on a family holiday for a week so hopefully we'll have internet :)
Day 23: What do you say to yourself when you need a pep talk?
I'm the kind of person that just gets on with things. I think that it became really obvious to me when I started getting chronic migraines because they were so bad and frequent that my only choices were to either spend the rest of my life in bed or deal with the excruciating pain and go to school. Sounds awful I know but no medication would touch them and as I'm a perfectionist I eventually gave in and dealt with it. This started a terrible cycle of boom and bust. I would work flat out throughout the day to stay conscious and alert despite the pain and would be completely incapacitated at night and on weekends. There were some days that I didn't even make it to the end of the day without becoming completely overwhelmed and would walk out of a class not knowing what the teacher had just said. There were (and still are) so many times that I have to get people to repeat themselves as my brain seems to just space out from the pain. When times get really tough and I need a pep talk I tend to say something along the lines of... 'you just have to get through this', 'you've dealt with worse', 'when you finish this you can go to bed', 'you are stronger than your illness', 'just keep swimming'. Just little things that get me from one thing to the next. That's all that it's about most of the time. Getting from A to B and starting again :) One step at a time! Oh and I can't forget, 'normal is overrated', because it so is! Haha Potato if you're reading this...
Day 24: How have you managed to juggle your social life through your illness?
I haven't really.... haha I didn't really help that I got really ill at the start of grade 11. At first my friends were supportive, but then it got hard. I was constantly sick and missing school and yet I looked mostly fine on the outside. Invisible illness and all. This time round with my hip they have all been a lot more supportive. Whether it's because we've finished school and they don't have to put up with it on a daily basis or because you can see that I am physically in pain (i.e. crutches). When I was really really ill my social life was non existent. I couldn't even go to school let alone socialise. Now its a bit better. I've learnt how to cope with my illnesses/pain better now so I'm less likely to cancel plans suddenly. In many ways I think that most of my friends think I'm better now because I don't talk about my illnesses and such with them. I prefer to keep it to myself because I'm embarrassed and don't want to be the 'weird' one again. Only one of my uni friends sort of knows what's going on with me. I've told her some of my symptoms because she was telling me about her bad back, but I haven't told her the extent to which I am in pain etc. In saying that, I haven't told the uni either... opps. :)
Just keep swimming BB :)
Anyway... on to the questions... btw I'm going on a family holiday for a week so hopefully we'll have internet :)
Day 23: What do you say to yourself when you need a pep talk?
I'm the kind of person that just gets on with things. I think that it became really obvious to me when I started getting chronic migraines because they were so bad and frequent that my only choices were to either spend the rest of my life in bed or deal with the excruciating pain and go to school. Sounds awful I know but no medication would touch them and as I'm a perfectionist I eventually gave in and dealt with it. This started a terrible cycle of boom and bust. I would work flat out throughout the day to stay conscious and alert despite the pain and would be completely incapacitated at night and on weekends. There were some days that I didn't even make it to the end of the day without becoming completely overwhelmed and would walk out of a class not knowing what the teacher had just said. There were (and still are) so many times that I have to get people to repeat themselves as my brain seems to just space out from the pain. When times get really tough and I need a pep talk I tend to say something along the lines of... 'you just have to get through this', 'you've dealt with worse', 'when you finish this you can go to bed', 'you are stronger than your illness', 'just keep swimming'. Just little things that get me from one thing to the next. That's all that it's about most of the time. Getting from A to B and starting again :) One step at a time! Oh and I can't forget, 'normal is overrated', because it so is! Haha Potato if you're reading this...
Day 24: How have you managed to juggle your social life through your illness?
I haven't really.... haha I didn't really help that I got really ill at the start of grade 11. At first my friends were supportive, but then it got hard. I was constantly sick and missing school and yet I looked mostly fine on the outside. Invisible illness and all. This time round with my hip they have all been a lot more supportive. Whether it's because we've finished school and they don't have to put up with it on a daily basis or because you can see that I am physically in pain (i.e. crutches). When I was really really ill my social life was non existent. I couldn't even go to school let alone socialise. Now its a bit better. I've learnt how to cope with my illnesses/pain better now so I'm less likely to cancel plans suddenly. In many ways I think that most of my friends think I'm better now because I don't talk about my illnesses and such with them. I prefer to keep it to myself because I'm embarrassed and don't want to be the 'weird' one again. Only one of my uni friends sort of knows what's going on with me. I've told her some of my symptoms because she was telling me about her bad back, but I haven't told her the extent to which I am in pain etc. In saying that, I haven't told the uni either... opps. :)
Just keep swimming BB :)
Comments
Post a Comment